Some things bouncing around in my head...

It seems to me that if you take people out of their "norms," disorient and disconnect them, force them to abide by laws that are unjust and inconsistent, at best, then deprive them of any recourse at all - that they will, once they are "freed" from the aforementioned bonds, be suspicious and mistrusting of social constructs and rules in the best case scenarios and outright defiant and seditious at the worst. If the odds are stacked against this group for generations on generations, if they are not allowed the privileges of other groups, if they learn that compliance with a law bears them no reward and that their primary offense is being who they are - why would anyone expect them to suddenly fall in lock-step with the very social devices that repressed them for generations? Then judge them and prosecute them by their adherence to these laws and rules that never applied to them before, never protected them before, never did anything but repress them and control them - kept them down. Why would anyone behave that way?

More to come...

Wasted Days and Wasted Nights...

Well, "wasted" is a bit dramatic but I couldn't resist the song lyrics! Ever have on of those days? Nothing seems to click or fall in place? Man, did I have it today!

First, I couldn't meditate - in fact, it was the opposite of meditation. I aggravated myself. I thought about irritating things. I kept trying to center but no good came of it. Sheesh! Then, I couldn't find my keys and since Lynn was going to be gone tonight, it was pretty critical that I be able to get into the house without assistance. Never found 'em. Used the spare key. My new co-worker was texting or talking on his cell phone all day and listening to mp3s. Not a good sign. There is water in my basement from running the washer. Something is not right there. Got locked out of my online banking service and tried to reach the call service when I got home - as they are the only ones that can help you restore functionality - only to learn that they now close at 5pm. Okay so I've got to get this fixed while I'm at work? Really?

By this time, I've lost interest and inspiration, unfortunately.

I did go to the hardware store to get food for the birds.

And, Ming, our new old cat suddenly decided he likes me. He has insured that I will not escape this relationship (however short it may be, ultimately) unscathed. Rats! I thought I might. Our other 4 cats (yes, we will no longer be known as the "female couple" on our block, from now on we are officially the "Cat Women") are in various stages of freak-out over the presence of Ming. Felix just wants to eat his food. Everybody wants to use his litterbox. One of our cats is fascinated by his fancy water dispenser but too chicken to get to close to it.

Finally, tonight he decided he had had enough of all this. Instead of watching from a perch on the bed, he stretched and yawned and hopped down to confront the other cats. they spread like wildfire. He licked his lips, yawned again, ate a bit more and curled up in his favorite spot and closed his eyes. I hope he is happy here. He's old and quiet and not very active but he seems to really enjoy some love and attention.

So it wasn't a total bust...

Tomorrow is a fresh start - or in Scarlett O'Hara's own words, "Afterall, tomorrow is another day...!"

Getting Unstuck Part 2 - Beautiful Spring Morning

The rain barrel was much simpler to make than I thought! We were so excited about the simplicity of this that we bought our own pipe tap so that we can make more easily. We have all the tools now (doesn't take a lot - drill, scroll saw, channel locks, pipe tap)! Yay!

The hardest thing does seem to be obtaining food quality barrels - well, just making the calls, actually. We've been so busy at work that I haven't been able to even think about it.

Change is in the air lately, folks. I don't know what it is but it is there. I wake up in the morning with solutions to problems I didn't know I had or had long forgotten. Mechanical problems, logistical problems. Things like how to make a particular adjustment to a photo or how to load the recumbent bike onto the bike rack. Random. My mind is working all this out in my sleep, though.

???

While I'm awake, my subconscious and unconscious are smacking me with truths from both my past and present that I have glossed over or just flat-out denied. While I sleep, I am figuring out all the little details to tasks I have questioned or been unable to do in the past.

Interesting times.

Getting Unstuck Part 1

First, let me state the obvious: You cannot know what you do not know. There.

The "List of Things I Do Not Know" is extensive. The "List of Things I Know" is growing - it is very closely related to the "List of Things I Did Not Know".

Some of the things I am learning are much harder to learn and to know than I ever imagined.

Today, however, I am going to learn to construct a rain barrel. That will be a very good thing. I will post more after the class.

What was up today?

Today started out all shiny and bright and ended kind of dull and depressing. Not that unusual but... Could it be me? Hmmm... Everyone I talked with for very long ended up yawning alot. Hmmm... Then, someone I love very much was just plain mean - and that is unusual. The full moon is over... I think, isn't it? Well, tomorrow is another day.

My Best Furry Friend

And those are THE BEST friends, right? Ginger is my little sweetie. She follows me everywhere when I am home. She is usually perched on my shoulders. It is really great in cold weather because she keeps me very warm. Neither one of us were thrilled with my hotflashes, however. She would look at me like I was from outer space when I would spontaneously combust. She doesn't care much for the other cats and they share her sentiments so it is always interesting to me to see when she does play and interact with them. It reminds me that she is a cat. Most of the time, she transcends description for me - she is Ginger - warm body, cuddle bug, soft purr, love and affection Ginger. She is no species or type or breed. She is my best friend.

My Mother 03.10

This is a photo of my mom from about a year ago. She will celebrate her 84th birthday at the end of this month. I spent the evening with her tonight and she looks very similar to this photo today only a little more frail.

You might think this is not the most flattering picture of her and you might be right. She is a beautiful woman, though. I have seen photos of her when she was a happy-go-lucky teenager and she would take your breath away! She had smooth, milky-white skin and long, deeply dark brunette waves of hair. She was trim and petite and had an infectious smile. I will find one of those photos and post here.

She certainly didn't seem to mind having her picture taken then but she has not enjoyed having her photo taken in my lifetime. She has endured it, but never enjoyed it. She won't smile even when we plead with her and she tries, it is just not really a smile. Life was not as easy for my mother as it looked like it might be when she was that smiling teenager. She only tolerated this shot knowing it was an attempt to lure my brother back to Kentucky to see her. It took a few months - 7 almost 8, actually - but it worked, or at least, it helped. She adores him.

Tonight she wore a hooded sweatshirt that zipped up the front and a t-shirt and her elastic waist pants that she made for herself. She is not as big as a minute. I feel like I might hurt her if I hug her too tightly. She repeats herself and she gets confused. She loves to tell us stories from when she was a little girl growing up on the farm in Robertson County, Kentucky. She tells the same story mostly but that is okay.

She has dementia. Her fine, sharp and clear mind stopped working right. The neurologist said she's been having little strokes or brain attacks for years. She lives with my father who dotes on her and takes very good care of her but he is beginning to get frightened to leave her alone. He doesn't talk to me much about it but he talks to my younger sister who is a nurse. He worries about my mom. They (my parents decided together) took her off the medications because of the side-effects and because they thought the benefits were not worth the expense - $250 per month. My older sister kind of lives with my parents and she also kind of watches out for them but sometimes I fear she may be a bit too close to them to see the situation clearly. How do you know?

I talk with my mother on the phone most everyday. She can get very distraught over some small detail of my life (dental appointments, long work days) that I share with her and will make my father call me before she goes to bed at night to make sure I am okay. I have started editing my conversations so as not to cause her or my father undue stress. The dentist always says I'm good and all my work days are good days. I love them both very much.

Lately my mother worries that she didn't thank one of us for something we did or said or gave them. She will make my dad call one of us to tell us again how much she appreciated whatever it was. I know she is thinking of our last conversation, our last visit, our last hug, our last sight of each other. She lost her first husband and then her first child both very unexpectedly and never knew that moment with either of them. She is very cognizant of this reality now. Everything may be the last thing. I see it in her face. I hear it in her voice.

I saw it when my brother returned to his home after his visit last Fall. She was afraid of not seeing him again. She's trying to smile but it is a grimace. It is pain.

I don't want my mother to hurt or be in pain. I don't want her to be scared or frightened.